Post Childbirth Hypertension

Yeah, it is high. I want it to go away, thanks.  I want to gather all my health and become an overachiever and catch up on all the crap I haven’t been able to do in the past 2 months! How realistic is this…not  so much. I can’t gamble my health just to sort out some junk in the basement at this time. My baby was born on Sunday, so just over a week old.  I’m weary of sharing too much specifics, I want to remain anonymous, ugh.

I never had BP issues before. They got borderline near the end of this pregnancy. It is still high a week later. I have been eating less than optimal with hot dog and luchmeat being my easy protein. We have also had some high stress junk going on too including sick family members. I will continue the herbal supplements the midwife gave me and clean up my diet. Of course I will naturally lose some weight with a better diet and all the activity I can do now that I am not super pregnant and the weather is nicer.

Oh, I almost forgot to complain about another person because I am not a people person and I feel like that is one of the purposes of this blog. So my Mother-in-Law always likes to know specifics of appointments with medical people.  I guess you could take that as a caring question but it just annoys me and I always act vague if it will just turn the worry wheels. So I told her after being asked….yes the baby’s weight has stabled (actually lost a few ounces but no big deal considering the healthy birth weight) and yes I am fine…(no mention of the BP issue).   She tends to then offer stories of someone she knows that had the same thing, blah blah blah. I hate small talk and when she was asking I had a splitting headache (yes, I know that could be bad with BP issues) and small talk at that time is not a happy thing for me.

Thanks.

I Can’t Handle Irrational Reprimands

I can’t handle irrational reprimands…. like getting a ‘reminder’ when I called a third-party an idiot on a forum. The third-party was the doctor the original poster was complaining about. How about if I said he was a sub par brain user?

I guess the issue is simply one of launguage…at least I hope???  I was not ‘talking’ to anyone on the site. Would I be reprimanded if I was talking about my dog or the lawn mower? An inanimate object has the same capacity to get offended as the third-party refered to as an idiot.

I am currently a moderator of two online e-mail lists and I was a moderator of a large parenting group’s forum. I really enjoyed the last one. I felt I was helping some people and I liked finding links and articles to help them. I ended up quitting that because of a totally random woman ( another person in the organization that was not related to the forum or above it) sticking her nose in my business. She really had no place to ‘get all up in my sh&*” as it were and frankly it kinda pissed me off so sayonara forum! Really, who does she think she is?

Think for Yourself?

People always say that no one will belive in you unless you belive in yourself first. I do think that is true. What happens if you belive in yourself but still get little belief  in return?

My Good Traits- Artistic, creative.. you can tell I’m depressed because I can’t think of anything without explanations that negate it as a good trait. I’m not greedy but that always kicks me in the but because I am not motivated  and self-confident enough to make my art and craft make me money. I am not vain, but that translates into being slovenly and a candidate for ‘What Not to Wear’. In that way I am dressing the part of a depressed person! I am a decent driver and can put furniture together from IKEA.

My Bad Traits- Messy, insecure, jealous, bad speller, poor leader, bad organizational skills, unreliable, lazy, winey, irritating, bad with people, unmotivated, lacking confidence, unattractive, unathletic, Bad with ettique and manners, not good company, not consistent, I complain, I disconnect, I want to flee. Emotional, depressed, fearful, anxiety prone, untrustful, unloving, overweight, snappy, defensive which leads to rudeness and isolation. I totally suck-people!

My poor sweet husband, I know it is hard for the spouses of depressed people. I told him more about how I was feeling and it confuses me that this man with some background in mental heath issues seems to have NO CLUE in how to handle me.  He is under a lot of stress too so he is really worn thin. That is why I should have kept him in the dark for a little longer.

Self Directed Faulting -Historically

My biggest issue is self-estem. I don’t think I ever developed a sense of true self-worth. I always felt in the way, felt like I ruined my mom’s life as a second child of a horrible marriage that kept her in it longer. I was called annoying often, stupid and ugly occasionally and had sparse consistancy in living arrangement or caregivers.  I don’t think I ever really learned to trust anyone. My father was a total deadbeat and my mom had to work really hard. My sister took the brunt of this youth stuff and she needed somewhere to express it, usually in verbally abusing me afterschool.

I have ‘come to terms’ with my upbringing to a certain extent. I have little anger left for it and understand how those around me had their own issues. It would of been nice if I had some protection and consistancy of course but I didn’t. Those people are forgiven or dead so I have to deal with what I have left now.

In my middleschool years I decided at one point to just concentrate on school work and stop worrying if people liked me or not. I suspose that was good for me because I did do better in school but still had the underlying feelings of worthlessness. What did it matter if I got B’s in English if I had to sit alone at lunch? I had spotty friendships and no way of knowing how or why anyone, even the other ‘nerds’, would want to sit with me. I know middle school is hard on a lot of people and it just pushed me further into despair.  

I don’t know how to have a best friend. I know I do not provide the comfort and consistancy one would want from a best friend, and I am far too insecure to really belive someone would want to hang out with me above anybody else.

Depression Checklist

I looked at a few online checklists….not that I need them. IKNOW I am clincally depressed. High stresss, two months worth of occasional crying fits, general sadness and withdrawl from activity. I am managing to keep just over the scary point luckily. Well, I have to, I have two children and I am preggers!

Every little external thing can set me off….things that are outside my homelife. Luckily here with hubby and kids I feel OK and safe. I know that many people who are down do not have that luxury. We are snowed in on this east coast big blizzard, round two. Nothing like being stuck in the house in a lot of ways. I don’t HAVE to interact with excess people and nobody is stopping by because the roads are so bad.

A new Blog because I feel Like an Idiot

I had another blog, on that free place that starts with a B. I had years of posts and pictures and all my other favorite blogs on side bars where I would read. I started to feel vulernable. Family and friends read it and I didn’t want it to be about that. I wanted to be able to complain about how I felt without this in-law or that neighbor thinking I wanted some sort of reaction or emotional result from them. So I hope no one will find this that will feel that. Sure, other depressed people that have issues might read this blog and think that we have something in common. That is alright. I mostly enjoy the ablity to blab and blab and complain without being a burden on anyone. No one is making you read this. No one thinks you should read this as a favor to me, no one thinks that if you don’t read this you are avoiding me or insulting me. I need a space to wine and complain and this is it.